☮ & ♥

I had this up on a writers club website. I took it down to do some fine tuning.
I'm putting it here instead.

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It was the summer I graduated 8th grade. I was a typical 14 year old girl. I listened to my wanna-be hardcore music, I was full of angst. I was friends with the wrong people. I acted irrationally. I spent my Friday nights at the Rollercade, as did most Barberton teens. At the time, everything seemed right and I was content in my own little world. It was June of 2005.

I started high school in August of that year. I was afraid. I never had older brothers or sisters to tell me what high school was going to be like. In a sense, I'm almost glad I didn't. I was involved with marching band. Every Friday night I would put on my purple pants that could easily fit me and two others in them. I put on my black dinkles and zipped up my coat. I became the epitome of band geek but it was okay. I loved it. I marched out on the field with my flute in hand. I marched through rain, wind and snow but I was happy.

Or at least I thought I was happy.
Fate is a funny thing.

I started to get into local music more than I was. I had started going to see shows at The Orange Street. Friday nights no longer meant football games and sloppy nachos, now it was apply the eyeliner and dance to the beat. I'd fallen in love with My Defiant Heart, Vegas, August, Baby Bear, My Favorite Highway and Killer Bees.
Looking back now I laugh at how silly I was then.

I met you in January of 2006. I was only 15 years old. You were turning 16 in November. I was with Stephanie, a girl who I had met at the Orange Street before. We were there to see this band play their first show ever. We took our usual spots on the right side of the stage. Thats when I saw you. My eyes widened and I grabbed Stephanie's arm. She flipped out on me seeing as she was trying to text. I could only point at what was standing in front of me.

You.

Your black hair fell into your face and almost covering those piercing baby blue eyes. You were nervous and I could tell. Your hands shook as you tuned that sea foam green fender stratocaster. I smiled at you and almost fainted when you returned the smile. I felt like a little girl skipping through a toy store. You caught me off guard when you said Hey. I was shy and the best thing I could say was." I like your Fall Out Boy shirt". I'm not even going to try and pretend that I didn't stare at you during your entire set. You noticed and Stephanie noticed. I was in a daze until you dedicated "Punk Rock Princess" to the pretty little red head.

Lets fast forward to June 14th 2006. We had become friends. You would come and visit me at Skoops where I worked. June 14th you parked your blue Ford Focus in front of the window. You opened up your trunk and pulled out your old acoustic. You began to play Hey There Delilah, changing Delilah to Ashley at random points in the song. It was that day you asked me to be your girlfriend. I smiled and told you yes but on the inside I was doing cartwheels.

August 2006. Your parents got divorced. It was nothing nasty. They just were better off friends. They still remained close. You always hoped they'd get back together. In this month, you found out you were moving to California with your mom. I was upset but you promised me it would work out.

September 2006 is when I thought my heart broke. Chris had told me you cheated on me with a girl out in California. I called you and you sadly confirmed it. This is when we did not talk for three months.

January 2007 is when I saw you again. You apologized and picked me up in your arms. I cried into your Panic at the Disco hoodie, which ironically I was wearing mine the same day. You told me everything was going to be okay and you still loved me. I am a sucker for sweet talking and you were the best at it. I believed you and we started dating again even though you were only in Ohio for two weeks.

June 2007. I had just gotten back from Globals. You were in Ohio till the end of July. We spent our time together wisely. We did everything together. We created the best memories. We would eat at Chipoltle at least once a week. I loved going to the mall with you. The best time was when you went into Victoria's Secret and asked if you would fit into a EE bra. I remember spending lazy days in your uncle's hammock cuddling and talking about our futures. You wanted a big wedding since you were going to be a rock star. You wanted three kids. Two girls and a boy. You wanted our family to live in a beach house out in California. You wanted me to be a world famous make-up artist and hair dresser. I was so in love with you. You were my first and honestly my true love. I was young but I knew what we had was real.

August 2007 is when you left to go back to California. You left me with a promise to take me to homecoming, an orange hoodie and a kiss that lingered upon my lips. I wish I would've said I love you Brandon, don't ever forget that before you left. Instead I said See you later Brando. Sure I said it on the phone, but I didn't get to see your smile when I said it.

August 29th 2007

It was a normal day at school. I was in a fight with my best friend that day. She was in one of her moods and I pissed her off trying to make things okay. I really wish I hadn't pissed her off that day. I wish I would've known how I was going to need her that night. I came home from dance and logged into myspace. Chris had sent me a message that would change my life. I took it as a joke and messaged him back saying "Oh haha you got me". I took it seriously when your aunt called and said the words I didn't want to hear. "Brandon took his life this morning"

The found you at 10:30AM laying in your back yard. I did the math and I was sitting in algebra, staring off into space when they found you. You overdosed on your grandmother's pain killers. You left a note that didn't give anyone an explanation. It was just an apology and a wish to be cremated. You were 17 years old. You had a future in front of you. You had friends. You had me.

I slowly started to pick up the pieces. I was alone in doing so. No one in Barberton had knew you because you hated Barberton and were homeschooled when you lived in Wadsworth. When people saw me crying they just patted me on the back and said "It will be okay." They could say that. They didn't have to pick up the pieces of their heart in a way I did. My heart was broken in a different way. I only have half a heart now. When you died, you died holding onto my heart.

Its been a year now. I've come a long way from that day. I've learned so much from Brandon. I'm living each day to its fullest. I stop and smell the flowers. I'm happy and carefree. He would want me to be happy, his mom tells me. I put my belief in that statement.
I miss him every now and then. Songs take me back to those times. His clothes sit in my closet. The thought of them losing his smell scares me sometimes. Time has healed the small wounds but the big wounds will always be there. Perhaps another boy will come along and I will be able to love him in the way I loved and still love Brandon.

I am a survivor.


happy 18th birthday slutface.
keep on watching over me.
I love you and I miss you.