☮ & ♥

The fall is almost here and it leads me to start my new life. True, i'm not moving out because my broke butt can't afford to live on campus and with the cost of tution rising 4% for the spring semester, I just can't afford it. But in a sense it's okay, I have enough on my plate right now anyways. I'm going to college. I won't be walking through the doors of Barberton High School anymore. I won't seeing all my friends on that chilly August morning, talking about what we did over the summer and who we hung out with and what boys made us cry. I'll be walking into a classroom of strangers. People who come from all different backgrounds and come from all over the US or maybe even the world. I'll be surrounded by people who all want to do the same job but different. If that even makes sense. Suzie over in the right hand side of the room might want to be a CEO of a prestigious company, while I on the other hand dream of working in the music industry. Maybe marketing for a record label, a press agent for a successful artist and if I don't strike gold while in college or shortly after, I have a cosmetology license that will serve me well for the time being. All in all, there is no way for me to fail my future. If the music doesn't work out, I can always move out west and do hair and make-up for red carpet events. I could own my own salon. My possibilities are endless. Now if I could just open up my heart and give it away to someone.

There once was this boy that slyly walked into my life. It had been almost three months since Brandon had passed away at this point. I had stopped crying and I had started putting pieces back together. However, you could tell I was sad and I believe he knew I was hurting before I even told him. We had an awesome friendship. Someone who loves classic rock more than I have and ever will haha. He was amazing and with all friendships, that first falling out hurts. We didn't talk for almost six months or so. But today we're pretty much best friends. He's my best dude friend and I wouldn't trade him for anything (unless he makes a strawberry joke then I hate him). One night we were hanging out at a park and we were talking about some personal stuff and he looks at me says.."You know there's a lot in common between me and Brandon..." I shut up and just stared at the ground. He was right. They kinda looked alike, Brandon was more into the "scene" stuff though, they both played guitar, they both had bands, and there were more little heres and theres. It got me thinking "Am I ever going to be able to find a guy and not compare him to Brandon?" Ever since that night I have been pondering this and I've finally come to the conclusion that I guard my heart. My heart's only known Brandon. I mean sure there were a couple of other guys I was crazy for (one dated my best friend and caused a bunch of problems between me and her and the other well he's just an idiot but we're friends I suppose) but honestly, Brandon made me realize what love is.

With college starting, I'm sure there's going to plenty of new people to meet and I need to go into school with two goals on my mind.

Goal One: Make the dean's list
Goal Two: Be open minded when meeting new people.

I'm honestly afraid of letting people into my life sometimes. I've let so many people in and they just right on out and it really made me build a wall. I am going to break down this wall and live my life the way it should be lived. I will treat everyone I meet as a friend and I will work through these trust issues. I will be kind and fearless, unless there is a spider or dead body in the room, then I will be scared. But I will start fresh, start over, start clean. I have the chance to end a chapter of my life with something huge and something powerful. It's been written in pen and I can't change my past. I can only keep writing and write myself a wonderful happy beginning. (because I don't like endings...)